What’s so bad about Ukip members being foster parents? - December 2012 The Observer - By Stewart Lee - December 2nd, 2012

I have been commissioned to write a libretto about Tarzan by an American minimalist composer who wishes to remain anonymous, and who, I suspect, will have little difficulty in doing so. My new patron initially thought the apeman story a worthy operatic subject, having noticed the inherent musicality of Tarzan’s famous cry: “Ooh-ee-oh-ee-oh-ee-oh-ee-oh-ee-ooh”. Our Tarzan…

Lowlights of 2012 - December 2012 Rejected Piece - By Stewart Lee - December 1st, 2012

Sorry I wasn’t clear, we were actually hoping for two replacement entries as a couple of the subjects Stewart has tackled will be problematic for us to get into the mag. We’ve got commercial business planned with both Paddy Power and Dyson so these are the two we’d be looking to replace with a few…

What does the insect community make of ITV’s celebrity freak show? - November 2012 The Observer - By Stewart Lee - November 25th, 2012

Periodically, I am changed into a monstrous verminous bug. My wife recognises the signs, locks me in the cellar and slides saucers of milk and slivers of lard under the door to sustain me. We do not know why this transformation occurs. We suspect it may relate to some form of deep-seated shame or self-loathing,…

Brooks and Cameron’s texts? They’re pure Shakespeare - November 2012 The Observer - By Stewart Lee - November 11th, 2012

Rebekah Brooks: overcome by the Utopian dream? Photograph: Carl Court/AFP/Getty Images There has been much inappropriate, salacious, and opportunistic speculation about the exact nature of the withheld communications between the former News International redhead Rebekah Brooks and the current Conservative party brownhead David Cameron, much of it in extremely dubious taste. I doubt, for example, whether the…

John Cage meets Ant & Dec in the sitcom in my mind - September 2012 The Observer - By Stewart Lee - September 16th, 2012

John Cage: fan of mushrooms, garlic bread, beans and pulses. Photograph: Bachrach/Archive Photos At the moment, I am trying to avoid thinking about John Cage. And instead, I find myself thinking about Ant & Dec. In 2009, the musicians Steve Beresford and Tania Chen asked me to supply the spoken part for a performance of…

This truly was an event that regenerated a community, but what of its legacy? - August 2012 The Observer - By Stewart Lee - August 19th, 2012

It has been just over a week now since the dead cat on the pavement outside the house was finally taken away, with no little ceremony, by Hackney Council Environmental Health and already talk in the coffee shops on Stoke Newington Church Street has turned from the emotional highs and lows of its daily decomposition…