Round 1: The Five Things
1 What weighs as much as 21bn suns, is 10 times the size of our solar system, breaks down the physical laws of space and time, and can swallow itself and everything around it?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
2 The third series of BBC1’s The Impressions Show, starring Jon Culshaw and Debra Stephenson, began broadcasting in October this year, but this time around the show was forbidden from making jokes about which significant natural phenomenon?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
3 What tried to stem the departure of hundreds of thousands of loyal followers by setting the costly toby-jug-faced man Adrian Chiles free this month?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
4 What has, highly probably, had some of the drugs Nigel Kennedy was contemplating near it, been nuzzled by Metallica’s manager, and sniffed out corruption at the News of the World?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
5 What was downgraded to category CCC, the world’s lowest, following an EU/IMF audit in June this year?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
Round 2: Comedians and comedy
1 Which football-loving comedian told the Archbishop of Canterbury he thought atheists were as big a threat to humanity as climate-change deniers? Frank Skinner
2 Who wrote on their website that Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear was “one of the funniest shows on TV … one of the very few programs at the Burka Broadcasting Corporation still worth seeing”? Norwegian neo-Nazi mass murderer Anders Breivik
3 Which wealthy Hollywood-based comedian spent much of the year bravely trying to reclaim the word “mong” from its apparent misuse? Ricky Gervais
4 Which beloved male American comedian was mistakenly referred to as “she” on live TV in a piece on his untimely death by the abysmal expat journo Piers Morgan? Patrice O’Neal
5 Which insolent comedian spent most of September vomiting and retching, having guzzled a cocktail of E coli, salmonella and hepatitis, while arrogantly defying nature by attempting to swim the length of the Thames out of sheer vanity? David Walliams
Round 3: The Tories
1 Which of the following has never been a nickname for chancellor George Osborne?
a) Cabin Boy George
b) Oik
c) Pencils
2 All the following politicians were members of the exclusive, room-trashing, window-smashing, student dining society the Bullingdon club. But who dismissed these escapades, while applauding zero tolerance for summer rioters, by saying: “We all do stupid things when we’re young”?
a) David Cameron
b) George Osborne
c) Boris Johnson
3 Which of the following current or former Conservative MPs has not been the victim of opportunistic late-night burglars?
a) Oliver Letwin
b) Louise Mensch
c) Liam Fox
4 Which confusing Tory MP reveals their surprising sensitivity to black American jazz and the personal struggles of its economically and socially disenfranchised proponents in a series of thoughtful documentaries on BBC Radio 4?
a) Ann Widdecombe
b) Oliver Letwin
c) Ken Clarke
5 Which Tory MP looks the most like a cross between a blinky lemur and an ambitious eel?
a) Michael Gove
b) Louise Mensch
c) George Osborne
Round 4: Rock – true or false
1 The British Museum currently displays a glazed pot depicting Mark E Smith, of Manchester rock survivors the Fall. True
2 Soon after the breakup of REM, Michael Stipe appeared on a US TV chatshow competing in a quiz alongside Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. True
3 The actor-comedian Russell Brand secretly blows into an ocarina belonging to the Amorphous Androgynous collective on Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds album. False
4 In his autobiography, Rob Brydon claims, amusingly, that he lost his virginity while listening to side two of the 1975 album Maximum Darkness by the Welsh progressive rock band Man, specifically during John Cipollina’s guitar solo on the band’s version of the folk-blues standard Codeine. False
5 Glenn Gregory, of Human League and Heaven 17, has invented a device that enables him to hack into supermarket PA systems and broadcast facetious announcements to confused shoppers. True
Round 5: Punk postmen
1 Which punk proto-goths backed postman Frank Bell on the 1979 single I’m a Cult Hero? The Cure
2 Name one of the three bands fronted by Birmingham punk legend and sometime postman Robert Lloyd. The Prefects, the Nightingales or the New Four Seasons
3 Which comedian played Manchester punk scenester John the Postman in the film 24 Hour Party People? Dave Gorman
4 Which punk postman recorded with Subway Sect? Vic Goddard
5 Which British blues guitarist, whose drunken 1976 on-stage anti-immigration rant inspired punk’s Rock Against Racism movement, once worked as a postman, delivering letters through a letterbox, rather than, as a drunk man, delivering race hatred through his mouth. Eric Clapton
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter