As a teenager in the 1970s, I ranged on Saturday afternoons across the ravaged industrial-revolution landscapes of the West Midlands, arguing politics, progressive rock and religion with a gang of similarly precocious, shandy-fuelled ranters, on a succession of free public transport options. We deserved to be beaten soundly by strangers. And often were. But we saw ourselves in the grand tradition of Birmingham’s intellectual sects – the Lunar Society of Handsworth, the Birmingham Surrealists of the Kardomah Café and, from Shard End, both the Electric Light Orchestra and the radical splinter group ELO Part II (featuring Bev Bevan and Kelly Groucutt), formed as as result of philosophical differences.
One Saturday afternoon, when we were 16 or so, we descended drunkenly from the lush green archipelago of the Lickey Hills to the grounds of Oratory House, to smoke upon the shared grave of the 19th-century theologian Cardinal John Henry Newman and his friend Ambrose St John. Newman had asked to be buried with Ambrose, presumably in light of the scarcity of serviceable holes in overcrowded Victorian Birmingham. Our A-streamer friend Plimpton, a tortured, repressed homosexual Christian with a Cambridge classics scholarship looming, said the Latin headstone read: “Out of shadows and phantasms into the truth.” We made it our motto and gave our adolescent philosophy group a name, in honour of Newman’s friend. We were the New Ambrosians, and the world was ours for the taking.
On the way home, some Zulu Warriors, local football hooligans, clubbed me to the concrete with a rolled newspaper near Paradise Circus for “looking gay” and spat on me. They knew not what they did. Such were the sufferings and degradations of a New Ambrosian, but they would not break me. Sadly, the New Ambrosians were soon to divide into the Original New Ambrosians and radical splinter group the New New Ambrosians (featuring Plimpton and Speccy Hawkins), as a result of philosophical differences.
I lost touch with Plimpton, who struggled to reconcile his faith with his sexuality throughout his life. He was last seen, some time at the turn of the century, by none other than Speccy Hawkins. Hawkins’s contact lenses had clocked his fellow New New Ambrosian, sat alone in soiled trousers at Newman’s headstone, as he cruised past the graveyard on Leach Green Lane in his grey Ford Focus.
On Tuesday night, along with many other self-congratulatory Observer readers, I saw the young rap singer Kate Tempest looking and sounding like the prophet this absurd age deserves, an Abiezer Coppe for the Deliveroo generation. If we were young today my fellow Original New Ambrosians would have loved her as I did. I went home, anxieties amplified, values confirmed, an evening well spent.
Meanwhile, beyond the Hammersmith Apollo, police job definitions deformed to encompass arresting environmentalists who will, within years, be hailed unequivocally as heroes by a drowning, burning, starving humanity. Struggling with implications beyond his paygrade, a police spokesman on LBC on Tuesday complained that driving vans of officers from Scotland to capture protesters was actually increasing emissions. It was clear that the environmental impact caused by crushing the demonstrations was weighing heavily upon his conscience, a sure sign that Extinction Rebellion’s message was getting through.
But in the midst of all this misery, some good news. One of the Catholic church’s marketing strengths is that it has a patron saint for everything. St Adrian of Nicomedia is the patron saint of arms dealers and butchers; St Jesús-Malverde is the patron saint of drug-traffickers and bandits; St Maturinus is the patron saint of comic actors and plumbers generally, and of sailors, but only if they hail from Brittany. (I can’t help thinking the Panini company are missing a major collectible sticker-set market here.)
So weep no more, disappointed liberals in the Age of Hate. Last Sunday the pope himself, who often seems to be operating to an agenda designed to amuse him personally in private at a later date, made a saint of a man who was probably gay, and hailed from Birmingham, where homophobic hate crime is up 333% in the wake of School Gate-gate’s religious aggravations; a man who, says Father Ignatius Harrison, the provost of Birmingham Oratory, “would have been a Remainer”. In the shape of Cardinal John Henry Newman, we now have a patron saint for Remainers, homosexuals and people from Birmingham. All three of these are traduced and demonised groups whom Christ would obviously have held close to his heart, as he did prostitutes, lepers and people who worked for the Inland Revenue.
There were some teething troubles in Newman’s canonisation. The church had tried to separate Newman’s remains from his friend Ambrose’s in 2008 but found none left. The Oratory website explains: “There are no First Class relics of Saint John Henry Newman available for distribution.” Presumably that’s what happens if you bury a saint in a damp city, and it explains the Brummie saying, “It’s so black over Bill’s mother’s we’ll have no First Class relics available for distribution.”
Late on Wednesday night I found myself wondering what my old friends the Original New Ambrosians would think of Newman’s sainthood. I even found myself remembering fondly the traitorous New New Ambrosians (featuring Plimpton and Speccy Hawkins), whose dissenting views on the relative merits of the second Hatfield and the North album no longer seemed important. Then the phone rang. “Out of shadows and phantasms into the truth,” said a shaking voice, and the line went dead. It was Plimpton, 40 years since I last heard him. I tried unsuccessfully to call the number back. On Thursday morning, an anonymous package arrived, a lone femur swaddled in bubble wrap. Plimpton, it appeared, had made his peace with his god in his own particular way. I expected no less from a New Ambrosian.
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.