Christmas 1972. My mother and I lived at my grandparents’, and my grandad had had a stroke.
I wanted Father Christmas to bring me a castle for Christmas.
I did not realise this was essentially asking my cash-strapped mother for an extra and expensive gift. But Father Christmas delivered the castle, and it was waiting in the morning. Working portcullis. Raised ramparts. Perfect. We lived next door to an old Scottish carpenter with bad eyesight, and budgies. “Go next door and thank Mr Archer for making your castle,” said my grandad. “I thought Father Christmas made it?” I said.
My grandad hastily concocted a cover. “He did. But Mr Archer helped him with it.” I was only four, but I realised that if there was a Father Christmas, he wouldn’t be subcontracting castles to Scottish carpenters. He had elves for that. Ever since, I’ve been an atheist sceptic, but I never lacked a sense of wonder.
What is more inspiring, the flying sled gift man and the barn-born baby, or the retired carpenter, knocking together a handmade castle for the boy of the divorcee next door?
Last Christmas I unboxed it, and gave it to my son.
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph