Last week, as a disciple of the religion of wokeness, I was busy boycotting products advertised on Andrew Sphagnum Moss Neil’s new anti-woke GB News channel, which has been difficult as many of them are goods and services I don’t use. Consequently, I spent Monday in the park under a willow tree trying determinedly to develop a taste for Kopparberg cider, so I could email the company later announcing I was no longer going to drink it. But, as I woke up in a puddle of my own urine on Tuesday morning, I learned that the fruity alcohol provider was the first of many firms to announce withdrawal from GB News’s slots. My liver had suffered needlessly, but I felt pretty good about myself because of the sacrifice I had considered making, but then hadn’t needed to anyway.
Reaching damply for my phone, I saw that Grolsch and Ikea had declared that GB News’s ethos was also contrary to their “values” (namely “buy more beer” and “buy more furniture” respectively). If GB News advertisers Amazon, Google and Facebook suddenly discover they too have “values” maybe they will address their shortcomings in areas such as tax avoidance, workers’ rights and data manipulation. I went downstairs and ordered a garlic naan from the GB News-supporting fast-food bikers Deliveroo, so I could tell the poorly paid delivery person to take it back to his evil paymasters immediately and then signed up for a philosophy degree with GB News enablers the Open University, with the specific intention of withdrawing from it on principle later. Take back control!
While these brands’ damage-limiting dissociation from GB News may be performative, the Stop Funding Hate organisation has nonetheless reminded them of the possible consequences of the messages they pay for. On Tuesday, Boris Johnson’s former race adviser Samuel Kasumu warned against the right’s deliberate stoking of a culture war, suggesting that the death of Jo Cox was already forgotten and that the Brexit supporter who murdered her may have been radicalised by the narratives of certain newspapers and media commentators. Meanwhile, on Tuesday, Andrew Hamster Bedding Neil made a professionally horrified face as his own station’s core demographic of anti-lockdown protesters and conspiracy theorists chased the “traitor” who is the BBC News work experience boy Nicholas Watt across Whitehall, through successive lines of indifferent police officers.
But is GB News even good enough at television to be a threat to our democracy? The channel appears to be broadcast from a dim bunker lined with crumpled black crepe paper, sound drops in and out erratically and, robbed of the dignifying surroundings of Question Time, or even Sky News’s Press Preview, and placed instead in GB News’s degrading Silence of the Lambs cellar, familiar alt-right talking heads appear deflated and radiate only loneliness and tragedy.
A late-night show is presented by the uniquely untelevisual former Sun executive editor Dan Wootton, who needs to be enjoyed now in his tabula rasa incarnation before any recognisable broadcasting abilities are inadvertently etched upon him by passersby. For some minutes on Tuesday night, a segment of Wootton’s opinion show called The Big Question was instead captioned as “The Big Oesion”, an onomatopoeic, if nonexistent, word that suggests some kind of oozing lesion. Wootton himself is squeezed to the left, about a third of the screen is just a blank white space and the intermittently audible alt-right panellists peep out in a column from tiny rectangles, as if appearing on a spatially challenged Dantean edition of Celebrity Squares, hosted by an oesion. The 70s community cable channel Swindon Viewpoint had higher production values.
Andrew Duckdown Neil’s direct addresses to camera, though performed by a real human, have the looming quality of the hologram of Sir Laurence Olivier from Dave Clark’s 1986 Cliff Richard vehicle, Time, as if Andrew Lamb’s Lettuce Neil had projected film of his own face on to an enormous ostrich egg, for some personal opaque gratification. Meanwhile, the coverage of Andrew Fuzzy Felt Neil’s one-to-one interviews is so televisually illiterate, it is like watching consulting room security camera footage, sequestered by the police to investigate criminal claims against an incompetent GP. One wonders how Andrew Parmesan Shavings Neil can have appeared on television for so long and yet have learned so little about how it is made. Did he pay any attention to the skills of the professional and invisible BBC fluffers who facilitated him for all those years or was he like the prize pig in Charlotte’s Web, happily wolfing down its daily swill with little interest in how its trough was filled?
But it is dangerous for sneering woke liberals like me to write GB News off, simply because it is poorly produced, nasty and bad. GB News’s ultimate impact will be measured in its ability to leech bite-size chunks on to social media and viewing figures, currently, are very good, though this may be down to curious woke onlookers in search of sinful schadenfreude. After all, even Christ would slow down to look at a car crash. We underestimate Andrew Intertrigo Neil’s last stand at our peril. Once, the Ukips looked like a joke party, with cranky candidates who talked about Bongo Bongo Land, lost imaginary friends at Hillsborough, ostentatiously declined to rape Jess Phillips and taught dogs to Sieg Heil at the command “Gas the Jews!” But the Ukips lit the bin fire that engulfed British politics and the kind of bilateral agreements the G7 needs to literally save the actual world couldn’t be reached in Cornwall because Boris Johnson is still smeared with the stench of the Brexit lies the Ukips popularised. Nonetheless, I can’t wait for my next date with The Big Oesion!
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube