Many on the left have blamed Keir Starmer, and the white working class’s perceived abandonment by Labour’s patronising metropolitan elite, for the political survival of the corrupt liar Boris Johnson. And it helps that Johnson showered our body-strewn streets with costly vaccines, like a negligent drunken father suddenly treating his starving children to a spaff-up Saturday dinner at McDonald’s. But Starmer alone cannot be held responsible for failing to inculcate a sense of Johnson’s mendacity into, for example, the citizens of Hartlepool. They are, after all, people whose forebears hanged a monkey in case it was French. One may as well try to teach wool to sing.
In a civilised democracy, a shameless pariah such as Boris Johnson should not thrive. The fact that he can is evidence not simply of Starmer’s shortcomings, but of a dereliction of duty by the nation’s cowed media, which have a moral responsibility to explain clearly to the electorate why Johnson is unsuitable for office; and by its trembling cultural institutions, which should be using public funds to discredit Johnson daily in mediums such as drama, sculpture, dance, tasteful nudity and the morris. This is what they are for.
Instead, the BBC’s political editor, Laura Kuenssberg, is an undaunted Johnson fantasist who looks at the prime minister with the same loyal longing that the Welsh myth-hound Gelert gazed upon his lord Llywelyn, later to slaughter the dog in a hut. Last week, Kuenssberg spaffed 2,000 words up the wall of the publicly funded journalism toilet of the BBC while avoiding calling the prime minister categorically dishonest and finding more than a dozen gently teasing synonyms for lying. What larks! Greater love hath no political editor than to lay down her credibility for her lord.
Johnson, according to Kuenssberg and her unnamed sources, “chooses to remember certain things or not remember others”. Johnson’s “attitude to the truth and facts is not based on what is real and what is not, but is driven by what… he desires, rather than what he believes”. Johnson is a “fibster”, a “pseudophile”, a “verb fluffer” and a “truth felcher”. The “white thighs of Johnson’s desires are too slippery to grasp the dance pole of truth”. The “wallpaper paste of Johnson’s lie-spaff rarely sploshes on to the decorator’s radio of fact”. And Johnson “orders the truth to suit his ambitions”. In short, the BBC’s political editor blames the feckless universe itself for not conforming to Johnson’s view of it. How inconvenient of space and time to bow relentlessly to the unbending laws of physics!
All through this land, where Christ’s foot once did walk, the Conservatives seek to limit broadcasters’ and cultural organisations’ abilities to inform and entertain and to hold the proven liar Boris Johnson to account, by stuffing their administrative bodies with supporters and by removing pesky intellectuals and black people. The government attempted to block Mary Beard as a trustee of the British Museum because of her pro-European views and because beards mean beatniks; the former Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is poised to regulate British media as the new head of Ofcom, a move akin to giving Jimmy Savile the keys to a morgue; the government-appointed BBC chair, banker Richard Sharp, donated £400,000 to the Conservatives. And yet even Sharp must know that a BBC so toothless it allows the clearly wrongful Johnson to reign unchecked, instead of driving the populace to No 10 with flaming torches, is not doing its publicly funded job and must offer his resignation.
As should the culture secretary, Oliver Dowden. Aristotelian ethics maintain art should save society from itself. Johnson’s rising ratings evidence Dowden’s failure to inspire and support creatives. The descendants of those ennobled by William the Conqueror still control the majority of wealth and power in Britain. The Conservatives’ placement of pliant ghouls in positions of inappropriate influence could strangle our news sources and art funnels for ever. Conscientious board members, such as Royal Museums Greenwich’s Sir Charles Dunstone, quit in protest, exposing Britannia’s white flanks, a culture war win for the Conservatives. But someone, a visionary artist of course, saw this coming.
Like many postwar comics writers, the anglophile X-Men scribe Chris Claremont, who bought my bored mother a coffee at the 1979 Birmingham Comics Convention, was an accidental seer in pixelated panels. In 1989, in Marvel’s Excalibur issue 13, Claremont posited a prophetic storyline. The do-gooding mutants and philanthropic aristocrats of the Arthurian-inspired British super-team Excalibur ™ ® were partially replaced, at the Conservative government’s insistence, with right-leaning loyalist mortals. The Bavarian circus-freak Nightcrawler ™ ® was substituted for the News of the World’s 71-year-old “Voice of Reason” Lord Woodrow Wyatt, who viewed Britain’s black population as being largely “lawless, drug-taking, violent and unemployable”. The teenage telepath Shadowcat ™ ® was benched for TV’s 64-year-old Record Breakers fact-fascist Norris McWhirter, a far-right Freedom Association figurehead opposed to sanctions on apartheid South Africa. Meggan ™ ® the Gypsy bat-girl surrendered her place to Mary Whitehouse, the crimplene-faced 79-year-old sex-arbiter from the National Viewers’ And Listeners’ Association. The comic’s preteen readership was traumatised.
Though the Excalibur ™ ® team still included fan-favourites Captain Britain ™ ®, the orange space-dragon Lockheed ™ ® and the alternate Earth incarnation of Phoenix ™ ®, the Wyatt/McWhirter/Whitehouse version swiftly relocated its headquarters from Lord Braddock’s enchanted Cornish lighthouse to the cramped offices of an opaquely funded, right-leaning thinktank, the Policy Study Centre for Centralised Policy Studies, at 55 Tufton Street, London. How could coffee-proffering Chris Claremont have known, that in just over four decades, his vision of noble British institutions infested with gerrymandered Conservative wreckers would come terrifyingly true?
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter