When Boris Johnson announced in a press conference on Thursday his intent to fly to the moon in a basket carried by enormous swans, as part of an ongoing quest to seek out new post-Brexit trading partners outside the EU, it seemed the logical end point of a political career characterised by the propagation of elephantine falsehoods. And yet no lie is too big it seems and Johnson endures.
Any half-decent journalist would have destroyed Johnson’s moon-swan lies immediately, but his Friday morning interview with Nick Robinson on Radio 4 displayed the feeble indulgence we have come to expect from the gumless Today programme.
Johnson told Robinson he was looking forward to meeting the moon king, Irdonozur, who he thought was “exactly the sort of person we should be in business with”, and Robinson didn’t even feel the need to point out that no such lunar monarch exists.
Robinson didn’t even intervene when Johnson declared that he wasn’t “the least bit scared of moon-picaninnies or moon-bumboys for that matter”, and that he would be taking his friend the convicted fraudster and gold smuggler Darius Guppy to the moon with him, and that Darius would have any disobedient moon-picaninnies and moon-bumboys “knocked to the ground” and covered in horse manure.
Footage on CBBC’s Newsround later, of Johnson standing by a bus emblazoned with the legend “Let’s fly to the moon in a swan-drawn basket and knock the moon-bumboys to the ground and cover them in horse manure”, barely even a raised eyebrow from presenter Ricky Boleto, who seemed stricken with a terrible ennui beyond his years at the very thought of more of Johnson’s colossal and time-consuming lies.
Meanwhile, predictable newspaper cartoons slung the familiar image of the crash-helmeted Johnson, waving flags while suspended from a zip wire, beneath a flock of soaring swans.
Even seasoned political observers finally find themselves asking: what on earth is Johnson playing at? Some think the answer lies in the Dead Cat Strategy, pioneered by the Tories’ former attack dog Lynton Crosby.
Crosby’s main contribution to political discourse has been the idea that a massive distraction, such as throwing a dead cat on a table or announcing your intention to fly to the moon with Darius Guppy in a swan-drawn basket, will divert public attention from some ongoing political disaster, such as the entire last 18 months.
Some cynics even suggest that the public disgrace of Johnson’s crony Toby Young was actually dead-cat driven. Did the Conservative media machine maintain Young’s implausible career only so as to have a dead cat ready to fling on the table when they needed one? Was Toby Young the Lee Harvey Oswald of the failing Brexit negotiations?
I’m not sure that Johnson’s pathological dishonesty is quite that calculated. I suspect Johnson liked the attention that his lies got him. But suddenly he is being trounced in the funny toff stakes by Jacob Tree-Frog and his Brexit lies – the £350m a week for the NHS, the fabled “cake and eat it” trade deal – are dissolving like David Davis in a hail of hot facts.
So Johnson is having to mouth ever more vast lies to get the attention he once earned from lesser falsehoods, like a veteran motorcycle stuntman, long past his peak, incrementally driven towards an audience-maintaining jump over a massive lake of sharks that he knows will finally kill him.
On my desk is a stack of commemorative Brexit coins, price £4.99 each. I ordered them from a Brexiter on eBay in a moment of mean-spiritedness, because they are emblazoned with the misspelt slogan “I voted to get back our sovereign independance”. The tragedy of it, the black black comedy of the thing.
But the coins made me remember the act I did on the fledgling comedy circuit, back in the 1980s, and how it related to the nuclear escalation of Johnson’s weaponised lies. Older comedy fans may remember the early days of “Alternative” comedy, when bills weren’t simply twentysomething standups in trousers remembering recent cultural ephemera.
Back then, those pub back-room bills featured a host of absurd “spesh” acts; the Amazing Mr Smith, who sang satirical songs with his head in a birdcage; Steve Murray, who dismembered teddy bears while doing an impression of Tommy Cooper; the Ice Man, a favourite of mine, who stood on stage with a big block of ice, describing how and why it was melting; and the late Malcolm Hardee who, among other things, could make his testicles look like various British wartime politicians.
My own spesh involved me stuffing, or giving the impression of stuffing, a succession of coins of various foreign currencies up my back passage, while dressed in a tutu and playing the bodhrán. “And now ladies and gentlemen, the Icelandic 50 kroner coin, the 50 kroner. Here we go…”
I was starting to make a name for myself, although admittedly that name was Roger Rectum Currency. Then suddenly, sometime around 1985, along came the uber-clown Chris Lynam, who launched actual lit fireworks from his actual anus, and now a man pretending to put yen into his wasn’t impressive any more. I soon switched to straight standup, as it happened a more lucrative, but arguably less dignified, art form.
Suddenly, his lies no longer igniting the public imagination like they once did, Johnson himself is Roger Rectum Currency in his managed decline, needing to draw the public eye with ever more extravagant lies.
And maybe I am facing a similar dilemma. The political situation has been so stupid now, for so long, it seems beyond satire. In print, and on stage, I reach for ever more desperate methods to mock it. And then my eye falls on that pile of commemorative British “independance” coins. And I realise I may have stumbled across the answer. I’m sure I have that tutu somewhere.
The jazz-noise album Bristol Fashion by capri-batterie with Stewart Lee is available to download at bandcamp.com. Content Provider continues to tour and will finally end on 19, 20 and 23 April at the Royal Festival Hall, London
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube