In March this year a cheap Channel 4 clip show, The 100 Best Stand-Up Comedians Ever, placed me at number 41, sandwiched in-between Johnny Vegas and Dara O’Brien. This was a hugely flattering position to find oneself in, if something of a tight squeeze. But unfortunately, it was a result of a public vote, and you, the public, consistently vote ‘Del Boy falling through the bar on Only Fools And Horses’ as the funniest TV moment ever, and are therefore not to be trusted. The only people who know less about stand-up than the public are critics. So here are some tips for the nation’s stand-up comedy reviewers.
1) When a comedian makes fun of a bald man in the audience it is probably not as spontaneous as you may imagine. Do not embarass yourself by describing a comedian saying ‘Did you get that jumper for Christmas?’as a ‘Coltrane-like moment of improvisational genius’.
2) Rock and pop critics with no ear for music review rock and pop music in terms of its lyrical content or imagined cultural significance, rather than its actual sound. Likewise, comedy critics, with no ear for comedy, often focus on the subject matter of stand-up routines, at the expense of rhythm or shifts of tone and pace. But we have all seen stand-up that is distinguised merely by its subject matter, with nothing stylistic to offer. It is Ben Elton’s last TV series, Get A Grip, and I bet you didn’t like that either, did you, critic?
3) Try to review the show itself, not the response in the room. Many comedy critics, with no working knowledge of stand-up, will review a show based on how it was received by the audience on the night, as if they were some kind of critics’ focus group. But just because a comedian gets no laughs doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t any good. Can you see through this? Or will you have to reasses your opinion of the act when they become massive and play to laughing arenas by writing a review that begins, “You know, I am coming round to Steve Naughty…”
4) Please bear in mind that Bill Hicks was not the first person to speak into a microphone about sex and politics. Do not use him as a point of comparison for all other stand-ups. Working stand-ups see hundreds of comedians ever year, and are more likely to learn from them in real time than they are from listening to old stand-up records. That’s your job. Because you are a loser.
5) Finally, do not try to get my attention by giving me a bad review because you are involved in an Oedipal power struggle with me due to having been obsessed with me as a teenager, and are now ashamed of your adolescent former self. I never even knew you loved me, and I forgive you your betrayal.
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter