Last week, there was really only one story. And it wasn’t that a children’s television science-fiction character, who never reproduces or has sexual relations with anyone, is now played by a human of a different gender than at any point previously. Despite this, like all the other crying centrists, I wept hot snowflakes to witness it happen in my lifetime.
And I couldn’t be happier that the Time Lady’s new companions include a black teenager with mild learning difficulties and a female Asian police officer. Predictably, The Chase’s Bradley Walsh let the side down by being a straight white man. Though I understand that in tonight’s episode Bradley Walsh reveals that, as a result of unpredictable side-effects from his character’s chemotherapy treatment, he now has both male and female genitalia, while a cloaca on his left thigh also enables him to reproduce parthenogenetically, although not without some discomfort.
Like the Zuni berdache, Bradley Walsh will become an intergender priest-princess, an ambassador between different dimensional realities, his engagements unencumbered by a traditional sexual identity. Typical BBC! It’s political correctness gone mad!! Nonetheless, the genitalia of fictional time travellers wasn’t the week’s big story.
On Monday, scientists revealed that we have only 12 years to put in place real strategies to combat climate change before the future of all life on Earth is doomed. It has taken our government more than two years to fail to agree that Brexit is more difficult than David Davis’s proposed easiest thing in the world. In the light of the progress of these negotiations, I don’t hold out much hope for the survival of the Melton Mowbray pork pie, let alone the continued existence of all the life on Earth.
But while climate change experts were once derided as cranks, a kind of environmental Flat Earth Society, finally their message is believed. And now the cranks are oil industry cheerleaders such as Nigel Lawson, ranting outside the window like a Hogarth etching of some bawling fictional aristocrat; Lord Entitlement Demands His Buttermilk Ramekin.
The definitive mass extinction bombshell held its position in the news chart for a few days and on Wednesday all four of the Guardian’s page four stories covered the end of all life as we know it and related fossil fuel consumption and rainforest obliteration news, shunting Adrian Searle’s review of the artist Anni Albers’s new abstract textiles exhibition all the way back to a humiliating page nine.
A further story, that the Dutch are developing robot bees to pollinate the crops we need to survive after the now inevitable insect apocalypse, ran on page 14, being five pages less important that the textile display. I immediately began to worry that intelligent robot bees would realise the best way to ensure the survival of the crops they were programmed to nurture was to destroy the human race who were poisoning the Earth. I wondered how me and my family would best survive attack by millions of Dutch nano-bees. I began learning the phrase “Robot bee, I am your friend” in as many Dutch dialects as I could master: West Frisian, Papiamento, Low Saxon and Limburgish.
If the Doctor really cared, wouldn’t she go back in time and save us? Photograph: Sophie Mutevilian/BBC
In other newspapers, we were back to business as usual. On the front page of Wednesday’s Sun, the end of all life on Earth forgotten, it was revealed that a comedy man had kissed a dancing lady behind an acting lady’s back. Really? As a species, we don’t deserve to live. It’s just a shame we’re going to take all the insects, animals and plants down with us. Unless we are exterminated by robot bees.
The imminent extinction of all life on Earth exposes a logical hole in the Doctor Who mythos. The Doctor loves to help humanity but as a time traveller she must know that within a decade or so our whole race will be doomed. If she really cared, wouldn’t she go back in time and save us all from ourselves? But by doing what exactly? Preventing Trump from weakening the Paris accord last June? Exposing the 1970s oil companies that sat on climate change data they knew would make their brands toxic in the short term? Or going back to the dawn of time and preventing the clever troglodyte, Keith Flintsparker, the first fire-starter, from dipping a dry twig into a puddle of tar and flint-sparking it into fuel.
The 1975 Tom Baker Doctor Who story Genesis of the Hateweed explores this conundrum. In it, the Doctor finds himself in the laboratory where his future nemesis, the Hateweed, is being genetically engineered into existence. He holds the spores over a nearby toilet and eventually decides that flushing them down the bowl and destroying them would constitute too great an intervention in the timeline. Nicholas Parsons, in a rare serious role as the Hateweed’s creator, Anglias the Weedseeder, watches him while eating a blue space pie, in an act of defiant indifference.
In 1992, I worked with Baker on the BBC radio comedy series The Inexplicable Worlds of Patrick Nimmo and I loved pumping Baker for behind-the-scenes Who stash. Baker told me he had been professionally jealous of the popularity of the Hateweed with female Doctor Who fans and had intended to change the scene while filming by “throwing the fucking seeds into the toilet and doing a massive, fast wee on them and shouting, ‘That’s pissed in their chips!’ But Nicholas Parsons said, ‘You, Thomas Stewart Baker, are drunk,’ and he said he would throw the space pie at me if I did a wee. I said, ‘I may be drunk, but you are Nicholas Parsons and in the morning I will be sober.’ We had a jolly good laugh and it was all forgotten over a few jars.”
I share a personal trainer with Bradley Walsh and so I went to meet him in Doctor Who’s Cardiff studios on Thursday and asked him if he thought the new Doctor should intervene in the climate change catastrophe. Bradley Walsh, who was patiently being fitted for multiple prosthetic genitals, both male and female, and those of a bird, said he didn’t know.
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot