How many small plastic toy egg casings could be hidden in, for example, a Michael Gove? And, if we knew this figure, and had an accurate idea of potential volunteer multiple plastic toy egg couriers, could we extrapolate from it the volume of goods that might be secretly transported, in this fashion, both in and out of our ring-fenced island nation? And why is knowing this number an important part of planning for the no-deal Brexit that our uncooperative friends in George Soros’s Europe, and the traitorous MPs who collaborate with them, are cruelly forcing on us through no fault of our own?
A civil servant I was in Woodcraft Folk with 43 years ago regularly texts me about bizarre developments in the National Centre For No-Deal Planning, despite risking her job to do so. “They’ve got us hard at work finding out how we get components and medicines and essential items into the country, if or when the supply lines break down. Don’t forget to stockpile toilet roll, Stewey! It may end up being the only viable form of currency!! LOL!!!”
On Wednesday morning, Tallulah (not her real name) informed me, she was told to coordinate the clandestine purchase, via thousands of press-ganged schoolchildren and cross-Channel swimmers, of as many Kinder ™ eggs and tubs of Vaseline ®, respectively, as she could acquire without arousing suspicion.
“Suspicion of what?” I asked. “I don’t know,” Tallulah answered, “but we don’t want to set off a Kinder ™ egg and Vaseline ® buying panic. I have to go now. Dominic Cumming has just come in. He’s wearing really tight cycling shorts and glaring at everyone like a horrible owl.”
Kinder ™ eggs and Vaseline ®. What was Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Cake Bumboys Vampires Haircut Wall-Spaffer Spunk-Burster Fuck-Business Fuck-The-Families Get-Off-My-Fucking-Laptop Turds Johnson up to now? I wondered.
Later on, I read that our lying, self-serving prime minister had visited Leeds prison the previous day, in a non-election campaign visibility stunt, last week’s booing Scots folk a distant memory.
Boris Johnson’s colleague Michael Gove, a known former cocaine user, owns a £493 Manchu cabinet and has nothing illegal in his underpants. Johnson himself famously only managed to avoid eating some cocaine by fortuitously sneezing it all away as he tried to ingest it, in an incident he described as an “inconclusive event”.
A 38-year-old father of one, caught with a quarter of a kilogram of cocaine in his underpants last May, is currently detained for four and a half years in Leeds at Her Majesty’s pleasure, while better-connected powder enthusiasts are asked to form a government, at Her Majesty’s invitation. It’s almost as if there is one law for upper-class Conservative drug-dabbling MPs and another for working-class drug mules.
During his prison visit, Watermelon was photogenically amused, for the benefit of the compliant press and the gullible public, by an x-ray showing how anally inserted Kinder ™ egg interiors can be used to smuggle into prison everything from tobacco and drugs to mobile phone parts. Kinder ™ egg suppositories are already responsible for a greater flow of goods annually than the government’s botched Brexit ferry scheme.
If I was prime minister, on seeing the anal Kinder ™ x-ray, I would have said: “It gives a whole new meaning to the words ‘Kinder Surprise ™’!” The electorate would have thought I was hilarious, but Wall-Spaffer appeared to have missed the magic moment and blown it. Later on I would come to realise that his magpie mind had merely moved on to other things.
On Thursday morning at 12.30am, Tallulah texted me again. She had gone back into the National Centre For No-Deal Planning, having forgotten her mobile phone, and swiftly secreted herself under a desk when she heard strange snuffling coming from a frosted-glass side room. She pressed her phone up to the opaque window and I listened in.
“You must do it, Michael,” said a voice, that of Turds Johnson. “You are in charge of no-deal planning. We need to test my plan and I can’t let anyone find out about it. You are my most loyal servant.”
“I am so not, Boris!” It was Michael Gove, squealing as he spoke. “I stabbed you in the back, remember? Why do I have to do this? Can’t Cumming do it? It is undignified. May I remind you that I am the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster?” Suddenly there was a loud slurping.
“Cumming,” Letterbox exploded, “you can’t eat Vaseline ®, man. It’s not a food. Put the lid back on.” Dominic Cumming’s musical and mellifluous voice protested: “But Vaseline ® is delicious, Boris. I ate it in Russia every day and it kept me warm, like a Bovril made of grease. It is wrong treacle, old Popeye Cumming’s petroleum spinach. And anyway, it’s all over my hands now. So I can just lick it off, whether you like it or not. Besides which, Boris, we may all have to develop a taste for non-standard foods, like Vaseline ®, or insects, in the darkness before the New Dawn.”
“Stop eating the Vaseline ®, Cumming!” It was Spunk-Burster again. “Eat up all the Kinder ™ chocolate. We need to dispose of the evidence. No one must know my plan.”
Then Gove appeared to be shouting, something about how he now realised from personal experience how important it was to reach a deal. And then Tallulah’s phone went dead.
As the sun rose on Thursday, I watched Breakfast TV and hoped she would call again. Bumboys, Gove and Cumming appeared bleary-eyed at a press conference. Cumming had a brown mouth and sticky hands and he kept sucking his fingers when he thought no one was looking. Gove goved silently into the distance, like a shell-shocked air-man. Boris stepped forward and proudly announced that, in an all-night strategy session, great strides had been made in no-deal planning.
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries