In 1981, tarnished by a legacy of nuclear embarrassments, the leaky Cumbrian atomic power plant Windscale was rebranded as Sellafield and the problems of public perception simply melted away, like hot uranium seeping into a water table. Likewise, we are no longer about to embrace a similarly contaminated no-deal Brexit. We are instead welcoming a nice, new Australia-style deal. But Australia doesn’t have a deal with the EU (even though it wants one). We are embracing a no-deal Brexit in all but name. It is, as the secretary of state Alok Sharma admitted to an unusually uncooperative Nick Ferrari on Monday, “just a question of semantics”. Ah yes. The Conservatives’ old enemies! Words! And their actual meanings!
On Monday evening, I opened my Anglo-Asian tandoori lamb vindaloo delivery and found a request to contribute to one of Dominics Cumming’s blue-sky, out-of-the-box think-boxes inside it, written on my poppadum in mango chutney. Cumming’s omniscient net-lords knew my every move. As usual, Cumming was looking for hot-ass cyber-freaks and batshit Ballardian head-jobs who could furnish him with shamanic sci-fi solutions. Apparently I was such a person because I had both written a comic book about a ghost and sung in 10th-century Anglo-Saxon on a dance record. Cumming needed a way to avoid identifying the incoming no-deal Brexit, which no one had wanted or expected, as the no-deal Brexit it clearly was. Sharma’s public admission that the Australia-style deal rebrand was linguistic smoke and mirrors had proved potentially problematic and threatened to unravel a number of other flimsy, fictional Conservative constructs, the implausible public persona of Boris Johnson having been deemed the most vulnerable to a moment’s scrutiny.
Normally I wouldn’t sell my skills to a Tory brainstorming session, but I am principally a live comedian and I haven’t worked since March. Under lockdown, my principles, like my trousers, inexplicably became elasticated and I was to be offered the usual £25,000-a-day consultancy fee, as long as I worked through a company run by an old schoolfriend of any current cabinet member. I was picked up and taken to the agreed secret location – a boarded-up, underground, art deco gentleman’s convenience on Shepherd’s Bush Green – where I joined four other futurist-warlocks round a socially distanced, circular marble table. One had blue-lensed granny specs and a green parrot on her shoulder; another was dressed as a kind of disco Rudolf Hess; a third wore tracksuit bottoms, espadrilles and a plain brown Primark T-shirt, but his bangle was festooned with runes. All were inscrutable, carried satchels and had produced incendiary content for opaquely funded libertarian blogs. They regarded Laurence Fox as a Trojan horse, Michael Gove as a stink bomb and Boris Johnson as an unpleasant but useful clump of sausage meat that could be animated to mouth whatever words were necessary, within its limited capacity.
In the centre of the table, Cumming’s head appeared inside an illuminated glass crystal ball full of pink gas. Initially, I assumed it was a three-dimensional holographic projection, like Laurence Olivier’s head in Dave Clark’s Time musical, Cumming broadcasting his image from elsewhere. He had previous form in being in two places at once, such as Islington and Barnard Castle, for example. But every now and again, Cumming’s face would groan and the head would shift uneasily and I realised the eyesight-anxious political fixer was actually crouching uncomfortably beneath the table with his skull through a hole, gas pumping into the simple goldfish bowl that encased it so it looked mysterious, like a shit Wizard of Oz. If any of my fellow situationist-idea-terraformers realised his ruse, they didn’t let on, fearful of dismissal.
“Sharma’s careless breakfast lips have exposed the semantic hollowness of the ‘Australia-style deal’ language virus, immunising some sections of the electorate against its charm,” Cumming’s head began, his voice condensed behind the glass, like someone speaking into a plastic cup to do an impression of Melvyn Bragg. “We must use our sock puppets in the internet, the press and the BBC to obscure it, flood the info-sphere with synonymous ideas, fabricating post-Brexit deals with nonexistent places and creating plausible backstories to stiff any grots that would verify them. Be about it!” And with that Cumming popped down beneath the table again to conceal himself. By Wednesday lunchtime, the airwaves were abuzz with our distractions, expendable loyalist MPs swamping Sharma’s indiscretion with expedient lies.
On 5 Live, Banbury MP Victoria Prentis said she was looking forward to an Eternia ™ ® style deal with the planet Eternia, He-Man ™ ® having already promised timber from the Skytree ™ ®; on Talk Radio, Torbay’s Kevin Foster spoke enthusiastically of our Equestria ™ ® style deal and of the untapped financial value of the manure of his magic Little Ponies ™ ®, especially the thick dung of Pinkie Pie ™ ®; and on Sky News, West Suffolk’s Matt Handcock nervously commended a Gor ™ ® style deal to Adam Boulton, while explaining it wasn’t his place to criticise the fantasy kingdom’s human rights violations, most notably the compulsory sexual captivity of all women, when it offered such valuable access to the slave markets of the Insectoids ™ ®.
By midnight, I had helped publicise fictional deals with the nonexistent realms of Atlantis, Plutonia, Pellucidar ™ ®, Lemuria ™ ®, Skartaris ™ ®, Etheria ™ ®, Lyonesse and Wakanda ™ ®, whose coveted metal, Vibranium ™ ®, did not exist either. And by the time Cumming spat me out into the Shepherd’s Bush night, I was so disoriented I almost believed it all myself. I drank a few cans of strong cider alone on the darkening green. All-but-empty night buses circled me, masked passengers staring out. “Everything will be OK,” I thought, “we have a Fantasy Island-style trade deal. The Plane! The Plane!”
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com