Last week’s newspaper attacks on Jeremy Corbyn have moved from the dishonest into the deranged. On page seven of Monday’s Telegraph, Sir Gerald Howarth MP, who once worried that the same sex marriage bill would be seen by “the aggressive homosexual community… as but a stepping stone to something even further”, analysed Corbyn’s Remembrance service bow.
Sir Gerald, who was dismayed when the ban on military homosexuals was lifted because many “ordinary soldiers in Her Majesty’s forces joined the services precisely because they wished to turn their backs on some of the values of modern society”, explained how Corbyn’s “slight tip forward” toward the Cenotaph “should have gone down to around 45 degrees from the waist” proving that he was “not cut from the cloth of a statesman”.
Perhaps, mindful of Sir Gerald’s anxieties, Corbyn had refrained from bending too far forward in order to avoid encouraging any members of the aggressive homosexual community present at the ceremony to see his action as a stepping stone to something even further.
Meanwhile, on page 23 of the same edition, the Telegraph’s former editor Charles Moore, whose decision to live in Tunbridge Wells indicates a man at peace with posterity, took a contrary position to Sir Gerald. He said that Corbyn behaved with decorum at the Cenotaph, but that this was actually worse than if he had behaved appallingly, as it was an attempt to foist far-left values on the public “by outward deference to common norms”.
Whatever Corbyn does is wrong, it seems. Punching blindly out of the paper bag of his own lunacy, Moore concluded, “It is sensible, from [the Labour party’s] point of view, to make well-arranged poppies part of their window dressing.”
While I don’t doubt that Corbyn is a Marxist sociopath hellbent on the destruction of British society, and indeed I applaud him for this, the best evidence of well-arranged window-dressing in British politics last week was the Conservatives’ hasty grafting of a digital poppy on to an all-purpose online David Cameron maquette, which can be speedily adapted to sport the appropriately sincere symbols of any passing festival of remembrance.
Father Dom Bernardo Vincelli’s tonic wine was sentimentally drunk by old soldiers years after they had consumed it under fire in Normandy. It is understood that, for next year’s remembrance ceremony, the prime minister’s tear ducts are to be surgically altered so that he can cry French Benedictine on demand, lick it off his own face, and then transubstantiate it in his bladder, to wee out the holy tears of the fallen.
Taking contrary arguments to arrive at the same conclusion, Sir Gerald and Charles Moore are like terrible hack comedians on some shit TV panel show, who’ve found the same funny punch line, and now just need to reverse-engineer opinions to justify it.
The Telegraph even included a helpful photo diagram, showing the exact angle of Corbyn’s bow, with protractor-style annotation to prove that it did, indeed, clock in at below Sir Gerald’s respectful angle of 45 degrees.
What constitutes offence is normally a difficult thing to delineate. The N-word, for example, while unacceptable racist filth in the mouth of your dad, may yet be a delight in the gutter poetry of African American rap singers, like Ice Cube, Ice-T or the Insane Clown Posse.
Defining offence is so complicated. That’s why it was thoughtful of the Telegraph to publish an actual graph of the angle of Corbyn’s bow. The existence of a literal calibration of offence relieves us of the obligation of understanding complicating factors like context, intent, or the agenda of the observer. Corbyn’s bow was undeniably offensive because it fell outside the mathematical parameters of inoffensive bowing.
Oddly, I have previous experience of a protractor being used to calculate offence. Twenty-one years ago I appeared in a TV sketch show, and in an item written by the comedian Richard Herring, Tom Binns featured naked as a showering footballer. When the rushes arrived, there were legal anxieties that Binns’s penis appeared to be erect, and that the footage could not be broadcast.
A BBC ombudsman analysed Binns’s penis with a protractor, using the Mull of Kintyre test, and found that Binns’s penis, while buoyant, was angled downwards at less than the 45 degree mark that would have made it unfit for transmission. Turning from the Telegraph to the Sun, this knowledge was to come back to haunt me.
The Sun’s front page, Leveson a mere memory, maintained Corbyn had not bowed at all, downgrading his movements to a futile nod, and ran a photo of the nodding “pacifist” next to a picture of an apparently topless woman standing heroically in some snow in just tiny pants and ski-boots. Her back was towards the camera, but the subconscious 3D modelling in my mind kicked in involuntarily, and I was very slightly excited, surely the paper’s intention in displaying the image.
Later that day, as I walked home past a decorated war memorial, the stirring began again, and I realised to my horror that accidentally viewing the image of the semi-naked woman on the Sun cover alongside their story on Corbyn and the Cenotaph had caused me to associate subconsciously Remembrance Day with mild sexual arousal.
Appalled at what had happened to me, through no fault of my own I might add, and terrified of incurring the wrath of Sir Gerald for my inappropriate response to the sacred symbols around me, I grabbed my protractor from my satchel and rushed into a toilet cubicle to calibrate the extent of my unintentional disrespect.
Luckily, I realised that, as usual, my penis fell below the required standard to constitute legal tumescence, and quickly mailed off mathematically annotated photographic evidence of this to Sir Gerald, for fear of becoming the subject of a Daily Telegraph exposé myself, while praying that he himself would not interpret this desperate gesture as an invitation to a stepping stone to something even further.
We all remember the dead in our own way, and contextualise their sacrifices as we see fit. I stood among a small crowd at the war memorial at the library where I was working at 11 o’clock on Wednesday. Someone’s phone went off, of course. Young mums walked past unaware of the significance of the moment. I thought about my grandfather, an RAF crewman, quietly and privately traumatised, I think, by flying over Dresden, days after the firebombing. Though he continued to profess hatred of all foreigners until his death, as was the way of his generation, I suspect that, from that day onwards, his heart wasn’t really in it.
A Room With a Stew is at Leicester Square theatre, London WC2 until 8 Jan; stewartlee.co.uk. Stewart Lee is the curator of next year’s All Tomorrow’s Parties festival, at Prestatyn Pontins, 15-17 April 2016
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube