Until Time Out e-mailed me asking me to write something on ‘why people should avoid the world cup’ I wasn’t even sure that it was the World Cup this year, and I assumed all the England flags I see flapping out of windows indicated the presence of proud BNP supporters. I am not interested in Soccer. I could never get through the ugly outer layers of the culture of soccer, through to the soccer itself. To me, soccer’s always seemed nasty.
I’m happy to accept that my experiences are subjective but when I was a teenager, no self-respecting Brummie ever went to see some soccer without a bunch of bananas to hurl at black players; in 1982 I was beaten to the ground with a rolled umbrella in a shopping centre when I was unable to tell some angry soccer enthusiasts which soccer team I supported; I had a Stanley knife held at my throat by soccer fans in a similar exchange on a canal tow path in 1987; and in the Summer of 1972 my grand-dad called me a ‘nancy boy’ when I eschewed soccer to stay inside drawing comics. Despite its claims towards sporting nobility, soccer always seems to encourage the worst aspects of human behaviour – racism, homophobia, slashed horses, sectarianism, violence, hotel room gang rapes, Nick Hornby novels, and David Baddiel singing.
As I slot in Edinburgh previews for the next few months, comedy club promoters are warning me that my shows fall on World Cup Soccer nights, but I expect the evenings will be better for it. Since Frank Skinner and David Baddiel’s Fantasy Football, and their soccer single Three Lions, opened the floodgates in the mid-90s, there have been too many soccer fans in comedy audiences anyway, lowering the tone, so maybe the lure of watching World Soccer Cup will merely purge the audience of these thugs, with their noise and their gestures.
I remain resolutely unable to see the appeal of Soccer, but things have a way of coming back to bite you. The woman at my three year old’s playgroup says he is very good with a ball, and people recommend enrolling him in some kind of soccer classes. So that’ll be me, standing on the grass by the white painted stripe, cheering, beaten into submission at last, love and biological loyalty achieving what the rolled umbrella and the Stanley knife could not.
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
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Joe, Independent.co.uk
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Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
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Jamespearse, Twitter
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Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
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98rosjon, Twitter
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Cyberbloke, Twitter
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Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
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Lents, redandwhitekop.com
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Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
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Fairy Pingu, Twitter
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Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
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Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
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Z-factor, Twitter.
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Birmingham Sunday Mercury
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Microcuts 22, Twitter
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World Without End, Twitter
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Sidsings000, Youtube
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Etienne, Chortle.com
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Fowkes81, Twitter
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Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
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Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
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BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
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Mrdavisn01, Twitter
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General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
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Chez, Chortle.com
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DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
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Tres Ryan, Twitter
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Anon, westhamonline.com
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Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
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Mini-x2, readytogo.net
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Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
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Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
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Bosco239, youtube
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Stokeylitfest, Twitter
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Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
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Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
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Contrapuntal, Twitter
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Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
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Robert Gavin, Twitter
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Zombie Hamster, Twitter
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12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
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Brighton Argus
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Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
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A D Ward, Twitter
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Joycey, readytogo.net
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Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
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Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
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Mpf1947, Youtube
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James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
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Sweeping Curves, Twitter
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Richard Herring, Comedian
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Frankie Boyle, Comedian
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Aaron, comedy.co.uk
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Guest1001, Youtube
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Leach Juice, Twitter
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Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
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Rubyshoes, Twitter
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Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
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Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
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Pudabaya, Twitter
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Meninblack, Twitter
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Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
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Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
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Carcrazychica, Youtube
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Wharto15, Twitter
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Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
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Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
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Mearecate, Youtube
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Danazawa, Youtube
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Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
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Tin Frog, Twitter
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Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
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FBC, finalgear.com
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Len Firewood, Twitter
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Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
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GRTak, finalgear.com
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John Robins, Comedian
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Emilyistrendy, Youtube
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Kozzy06, Youtube
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Visualiser1, Twitter
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Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
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Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
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Iain, eatenbymissionaries
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Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
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Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
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Peter Fears, Twitter
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Shit Crit, Twitter
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Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
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Stuart, Chortle
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Gwaites, Digitalspy
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Anon, BBC Complaints Log
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Aiden Hearn, Twitter
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Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
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Borathigh5, Youtube
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Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
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Hiewy, Youtube
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Al Murray, Comedian
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Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
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Anamatronix, Youtube
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Horatio Melvin, Twitter
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Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
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Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
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Liam Travitt, Twitter
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Secretdeveloper, Youtube
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Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
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Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
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Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
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Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
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Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
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Sam Rooney, Youtube
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Pnethor, pne-online.com
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Funday’schild, youtube.
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Dick Socrates, Twitter
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Peter Ould, Youtube
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Jackmumf, Twitter
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Rudeness, Youtube