Was it really only a month ago that the pole-dancer patron, fridge explorer, Brexit get-doer, model bus maker, sofa-strainer, wall-spaffer, current Daily Mail columnist and former British prime minister Boris Johnson eulogised the inauguration of Donald Trump in the Mail, recounting how, as the “invisible pulse of power surged” from the battered bible into the hand of Trump: “I saw the moment the world’s wokerati had worked so hard to prevent.”
I hope Johnson is pleased with the way things have worked out. Because now the foolish wokerati have been schooled beyond Johnson’s wettest dreams. It’s the Trump-Putin-bin Salman party! An adjudicated sex offender and convicted fraudster, and a man who sanctioned a chemical warfare hit, killing a British citizen on British soil, have met at the luxury Saudia Arabian hotel of another man, who, according to the US, reportedly approved the murder and subsequent dismemberment of a journalist, to discuss the similarly brutal dismemberment of Ukraine, without consulting either Ukraine itself or the countries most directly affected by the legitimisation of Putin’s territorial anxieties. Don’t worry, Poland! Stable genius Trump has got this covered, so break out the bone saws, pop the cork on the novichok and grab the girls by the pussy! There are 1970s Italian slasher films with less gruesome plotlines. Well said, Boris Johnson! That’s certainly stuck it to the wokerati!
If only Johnson, and Trump’s other cheerleaders in the rightwing press and on the right of the house, could be brave enough to call out Trump for what he is. If only Johnson had the moral courage of Ed Davey from the Liberal Democrats. In what newly warped reality does that sentence even exist? But, on balance, the whitewashing of the deaths of tens of thousands of Ukrainians is a small price to pay for the delight Trump has bought to the smiling faces of people who hate the transgender community, wild swimming enthusiasts and Guardian readers. Sniffing mineral rights in the air, like the smell of napalm in the morning, Trump has grabbed Ukraine by the pussy and he ain’t gonna let go. Trump is, unequivocally, the worst thing to happen to human civilisation since Hitler. And Ricky Gervais’s After Life.
European politicians more rational and less self-serving than Johnson are trying to formulate the correct response to Trump’s rapid and reckless redrawing of the postwar world disorder in his own, and Russia’s, interests. The correct response is to shit your pants. On Tuesday, Trump even blamed Ukraine itself for being invaded, which is a bit like blaming E Jean Carroll herself for being sexually abused in a department store changing room. Couldn’t she have cut a pre-emptive deal before things escalated? Victims! Always blaming someone else. But Trump has put the idea that the invasion of Ukraine is Ukraine’s fault out there now, on the world stage, amplified by his collaborators in the tech bro media, and it will gradually calcify into one of those persistent alternative facts. By Wednesday he’d called Zelenskyy a dictator (and a mediocre comedian, which in my opinion is even worse).
And it’s that kind of reshaping of reality that needs a coherent European response. Recently, the US vice-president, JD Vance, who has the exact same face-beard as the main male oppressor in the TV adaptation of The Handmaid’s Tale, came and told the Munich security conference that Scotland had made it illegal to pray silently in your own home. Many things are illegal in Scotland. Fruit, for example, and cushions, which are deemed too soft by the Scottish Cushion Committee. But not silent private prayer. Largely ignoring dead-in-the-water Ukraine, Vance also told Europe we had some kind of moral duty to allow unchecked, factually inaccurate bullshit to clog our infosphere via Trump’s tech bro acolytes’ social media platforms, his inflammatory comments about illegal Scottish prayer in the same speech proving exactly why such regulation is required. And I think he knows this.
Predictably, Vancewas one of the three main early investors in Rumble, the social media site for all the people whose conspiratorial untruths and borderline criminality make them too toxic for other social media sites – Russell Brand, Alex Jones and Darth Vader etc – so he personally stood to profit from this sort of popularisation of inflammatory actionable crap. As did fellow Rumble original main investor Peter Thiel, the man behind Palantir, the big tech company Wriggling Wes Streeting is keen to hand all our NHS data to, revealing an interlocking and endless web of bad influence that only “cat woman” Carole Cadwalladr had the persistence of vision to apprehend, and she’s currently shunting off to a subscription Substack site, a crowdfunded Cassandra in an era busy eating its own brainstem.
For a brief period around teatime on Monday, Keir Starmer, who once left his “village and went to the city of Leeds” and “discovered a whole new world of indie bands – like Orange Juice and the Wedding Present” delusionally imagined he could be some kind of go-between twixt observable reality and Trump. But did West Yorkshire jangle-pop pioneers the Wedding Present radically retool their signature sound for 1991’s Seamonsters album just so Starmer could become a Neville Chamberlain for the cover-mounted fanzine flexidisc generation?
We have staved off outright fascism throughout most of Europe pretty well for 80 years now, but outright fascism in Europe was never quite so well funded and promoted as it is now, since the US government and the social media platforms that do its bidding decided backing outright fascism was a good way to smash the EU. Think what Hitler could have achieved if he’d had Twitter, currently X, and Google at his disposal. He wouldn’t have needed the V2 rocket, Lord Haw-Haw and Hugo Boss. He could have razed half of Europe with a Hulk Hogan meme, some persuasive online misinformation and a dozen jauntily askew baseball caps.
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter